Bozeman Daily Chronicle, April 27, 2011
The recent tragic events on the Rutgers University campus have prompted a variety of responses. For me, this was significant because not only do I teach at Rutgers, but I have a son who is a freshman there. The official RU responses to these events have been appropriate and compassionate. Students and faculty have expressed shock and sadness. On a larger perspective, the media has responded by distorting some of the facts while searching to place blame. The gay and lesbian community held a rather poorly attended demonstration on the New Brunswick RU campus and called this a hate crime. The death of Tyler Clementi was not a crime of hate, bullying or gay bashing but rather a crime of stupidity.
The coming of the internet has brought many positives into our lives; easy access to information, an instant connectedness to people far away, increased efficiency in the workplace, jobs and of course the blog. At the same time it has taken from us giant, whole pieces of what makes us human. We are quickly losing our ability to communicate and to take responsibility for that communication.
A real life exchange requires a person to think, listen and respond, all the while taking responsibility for what is said. Even a negative exchange allows time to retract or restate statements and the ability to say, “I’m sorry” or “I understand”. An internet exchange provides none of these. Within seconds the most foolish comment is available for the world to see—and interpret. Not only is there an issue with time, there is the problem of context. The words, “I could kill you,” can be interpreted to be ominous, funny, clever, joking, happy, surprised, angry…the possibilities are many. When removed from their context words have different meanings. Internet communication also fails to provide body language and tone. Yes, there are the occasional smiley faces that can accompany a snide remark to show that it is only meant to tease, but for the most part body language and tone are absent. Much of our talking and listening happens when there are no words being exchanged. A laugh, a wink, a shrug, leaning forward or back, our voice going up or down. A face to face conversation provides time, context, responsibility, emotion and body language.
Instead of engaging with each other, we are spending time in a world that provides a veneer of anonymity—a mask of sorts. When most communication is done via email, status updates, texting or twitter, there is confusion between the real world and the mask. A person who would never dream of describing their innermost feelings or fantasies in a face to face conversation, all of a sudden feels a false sense of security. Just read a few status updates on Facebook for a minute or two; “Feeling rather empty right now plz only comment if u do love or care about me!… Stop holding out on me Jew damn Jew… Ted’s a retarded &*#% that should be chemically castrated!…Jared has aids… Tammy go f— urself and go back to hell…Is diarrhea a sign of syphilis?”and it is evident that any shred of civility has vanished. Posting every feeling and every emotion all the time, has led to a jaded, apathetic, cynicism toward real human pain. My response to this constant stream of needless information? Stop stating your feelings! Try talking to someone instead.
An average American spends eight hours a day on the computer. Eight hours is the time it takes to hold a full time job, get a good night’s sleep, fly to the EU, have a leisurely dinner and enjoy a movie or read a great book. I find it pathetic that people are replacing human contact, compassion and care with status updates and tweets. Instead of meeting for coffee or lunch, people resort to stating every single emotion on the internet. Some post minute by minute updates. The sheer absurdity that someone can actually claim to have 600+ friends has diluted the very meaning of the word friendship. Everyone wants to be heard and to be known. But when everyone is screaming, no one is listening.
The place to find trust, honesty, compassion and care, is in our small real world circle of family and friends. Instead of spending eight hours on the computer, spend it talking to a friend, meeting a family member or lending a helping hand to someone in need. Perhaps if someone had taken a moment to have a real, live, accountable, honest conversation with Dharun Ravi, Molly Wei or Tyler Clementi we would not have read Tyler’s haunting last words on the internet.
Can we Talk?
October 4, 2010 in Uncategorized | Tags: anonymity, body language, care, comment, communicate, compassion, context, crime, Dharun Ravi, email, emotion, EU, exchange, facebook, gay, gay bashing, hate, hate crime, human, internet, internet crime, lesbian, mask, Molly Wei, New Brunswick, responsibility, Rutgers, talking, text, time, tone, tweet, Tyler Clementi | 18 comments
Bozeman Daily Chronicle, April 27, 2011
The recent tragic events on the Rutgers University campus have prompted a variety of responses. For me, this was significant because not only do I teach at Rutgers, but I have a son who is a freshman there. The official RU responses to these events have been appropriate and compassionate. Students and faculty have expressed shock and sadness. On a larger perspective, the media has responded by distorting some of the facts while searching to place blame. The gay and lesbian community held a rather poorly attended demonstration on the New Brunswick RU campus and called this a hate crime. The death of Tyler Clementi was not a crime of hate, bullying or gay bashing but rather a crime of stupidity.
The coming of the internet has brought many positives into our lives; easy access to information, an instant connectedness to people far away, increased efficiency in the workplace, jobs and of course the blog. At the same time it has taken from us giant, whole pieces of what makes us human. We are quickly losing our ability to communicate and to take responsibility for that communication.
A real life exchange requires a person to think, listen and respond, all the while taking responsibility for what is said. Even a negative exchange allows time to retract or restate statements and the ability to say, “I’m sorry” or “I understand”. An internet exchange provides none of these. Within seconds the most foolish comment is available for the world to see—and interpret. Not only is there an issue with time, there is the problem of context. The words, “I could kill you,” can be interpreted to be ominous, funny, clever, joking, happy, surprised, angry…the possibilities are many. When removed from their context words have different meanings. Internet communication also fails to provide body language and tone. Yes, there are the occasional smiley faces that can accompany a snide remark to show that it is only meant to tease, but for the most part body language and tone are absent. Much of our talking and listening happens when there are no words being exchanged. A laugh, a wink, a shrug, leaning forward or back, our voice going up or down. A face to face conversation provides time, context, responsibility, emotion and body language.
Instead of engaging with each other, we are spending time in a world that provides a veneer of anonymity—a mask of sorts. When most communication is done via email, status updates, texting or twitter, there is confusion between the real world and the mask. A person who would never dream of describing their innermost feelings or fantasies in a face to face conversation, all of a sudden feels a false sense of security. Just read a few status updates on Facebook for a minute or two; “Feeling rather empty right now plz only comment if u do love or care about me!… Stop holding out on me Jew damn Jew… Ted’s a retarded &*#% that should be chemically castrated!…Jared has aids… Tammy go f— urself and go back to hell…Is diarrhea a sign of syphilis?”and it is evident that any shred of civility has vanished. Posting every feeling and every emotion all the time, has led to a jaded, apathetic, cynicism toward real human pain. My response to this constant stream of needless information? Stop stating your feelings! Try talking to someone instead.
An average American spends eight hours a day on the computer. Eight hours is the time it takes to hold a full time job, get a good night’s sleep, fly to the EU, have a leisurely dinner and enjoy a movie or read a great book. I find it pathetic that people are replacing human contact, compassion and care with status updates and tweets. Instead of meeting for coffee or lunch, people resort to stating every single emotion on the internet. Some post minute by minute updates. The sheer absurdity that someone can actually claim to have 600+ friends has diluted the very meaning of the word friendship. Everyone wants to be heard and to be known. But when everyone is screaming, no one is listening.
The place to find trust, honesty, compassion and care, is in our small real world circle of family and friends. Instead of spending eight hours on the computer, spend it talking to a friend, meeting a family member or lending a helping hand to someone in need. Perhaps if someone had taken a moment to have a real, live, accountable, honest conversation with Dharun Ravi, Molly Wei or Tyler Clementi we would not have read Tyler’s haunting last words on the internet.